sometimes the days are abnormally dark or just harder to deal with than you’re willing to outwardly admit to anyone, ya know. you wake up longing for the rotting feeling in your soul to ebb. you do everything; i mean, will the blinds shut, swaddle yourself in downy covers and pray that even the slightest sliver of sunlight doesn’t crawl across your skin because it could literally be too much to bear.
you’d prefer a devastating hurricane to tap dance against the window; to create a calming cadence that helps still the day. no need for neither a soothing voice nor advice on how to move forward. you just need the pieces of your world to remain broken, for them to fall away. if only for today.
times like these come storming in after a heartbreak shatters the facade. or after you’ve been donald trump’d from the one place you’re anchored to. but what causes these feelings just because it’s wednesday? somehow your biological behaviors, your genetic makeup, just lean toward non-existence rather then bloom toward the brighter spots of life, so you exhaust more effort than others to make sure to smile. to stand in a room and not feel lifeless. and it’s not like you don’t wanna be happy, present – that’s never the case.
gather a few experiences behind a happy mask under your belt and your mind finally computes that you’re different, then finding ways to level the highs and lows becomes critical. that’s right around the time vodka becomes more than just a drink (or three); it’s the only way to keep smiling when you can barely breathe. not to mention a peek back at the family history that uncovers dad’s bouts of manic depression and the violent divorce that robbed parts of your childhood (oh yeah, and various alcoholics from each side of the family tree) are still locked away in the closet of your mind. the mere thought of unpacking it is just…
admitting the dark days could shatter your ability to cope. or it could free you. you can’t be too sure. but today, like every day, you compartmentalize and concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other and start a new day.
if this was not love then please tell me what was it?